i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
His hands were made for my vagina.
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I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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