I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
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Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
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I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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