So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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