I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
