Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
ttyl tear gas
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Randomize
