I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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