I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
