Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
