I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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