ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
