Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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