nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I puked a lego.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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