i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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