no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
