I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
