look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
