Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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