it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
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You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
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Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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