i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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