Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
