My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
