Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
