i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
