a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
