I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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