hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I deserve this hangover.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
