What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
