My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
