Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
