my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
