Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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