life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
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Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
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Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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