If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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