she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
