If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
