with your own penis?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
