he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
