New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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