Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
