She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
