i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
We left the knife in your bed.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
