she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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