I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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