Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
We got so high we made milksteak
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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