So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
