You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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