She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
