It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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