Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
