I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
