The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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