you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
