I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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