Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
