I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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