It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
