this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
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mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
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No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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