Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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