Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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