somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
