I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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